Anxious

Anxiety. Anxiousness.
 We are all feeling it to some extent. We may not show it, but we are all feeling it. In the past few days alone I have spoken with 6 different women who all voiced their conflicted and anxious feelings. I am feeling it too. It shows up in different ways for all of us. We went from panic buying toilet paper, to schools closing and learning to managing e-learning/homeschooling to working from home and then an order to shelter in place. All while trying to manage our family and home.....putting our own feelings on the back burner.
Teachers are trying to manage technology (as well as reach those without it) and meet the expectations of a classroom/administration/parents. Employees trying to manage office expectations while working from home. Employees trying to work and stay healthy/safe at essential businesses. Businesses trying to manage either virtually or physically. Our front line first responders and ESPECIALLY our healthcare workers....... are trying to manage in new and uncertain times. We are all doing our best ....and that changes from minute to minute....even second to second.
I see women all over social media either taunting their ability to manage it all, flaunting their cooking and craft projects, or bitching about their situations/kids/spouses. Some are trying to find excuses for sitting still and doing little to nothing and/or allowing their kids to do the same. Some are trying to fill eve3ry second with new and exciting tasks.
We need to stop.....this is not a Quarantine competition! We have gotten so used to impressing each other with posts and images that we have forgotten to appreciate moments. We are all doing the best we can considering the circumstances. The closet you have been dying to clean out....it will wait. That recipe you have been meaning to make....it will wait. That email you must answer.....it will wait.  What ever it is...it will wait.
Take a minute and catch your breath.  Allow yourself the space to breathe. Allow yourself some grace. When things slow down and we are out of our routine, we often get anxious. We start to feel things! So feel the feelings you have right now even if you can not name them all. Embrace the suck! Feel the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. Feel the frustration, anger, and loneliness. Feel the love, tenderness, and joy. Feel all those feelings and then keep breathing. We all need to allow ourselves the grace and hold the space for ourselves and others to feel and just breathe.
Today, take a minute and set it all down. Just set all of it down and take a breath. You do not have to do it all, be it all, fix it all. Not right now. Set it down and just breathe. We are all anxious. We all feel the uncertainty. We are all going to all be in this for a while and we need to find our own pace throughout it all. So for now....set it down, just breathe and know you are not alone.
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Mental

Depression. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. PTSD. BiPolar. Substance Abuse. Mental Illness.
All things people do not talk about. They are like the new 'C' word. Whispered in conversation. Joked about.  Avoided all together.
All are real. All are deadly.
Physical illness is something people can see and "treat" so that seems to be more acceptable. Mental illness is not easily diagnosed or treated, nor is it "acceptable" so people often hide it, self medicate or just give in to it.
None of it is easy and all of it is embarrassing. It carries a horrible stigma of mental hospitals and crazy psych wards like we have seen in the movies (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, anyone?). But that is not the case any longer.
I have been treated for all of the above. I see a therapist regularly. I fought, and had to get a court order, for my children to attend therapy. They didn't like it for a while but now? They are researching their own therapists in order to go back and get help.
I honestly do not know where I would be without my therapist. I have had 2 over the years. One that I walked away from as she told me my anxiety, panic attacks and depression were due to an abusive marriage. I knew it deep down but I also knew that opening that door would lead to a mess I was not capable of cleaning up even with the most trusted professional. I walked out of her office and thought I could stuff it all away forever. NOPE.
A year later, I really thought I was losing my mind. I secretly visited an inpatient facility and went through the entire intake process. It was recommended that I check in immediately as  they were concerned for my wellbeing.....but I walked away. No, honestly, I ran away as fast as I could...I didn't want them to catch me! Opening that door ....nope. Not happening. No thank you. The mess had only gotten larger and more difficult to clean up.
I finally got to a place and found a person I could trust. She helped me open the door a little at a time and mopped up the mess as it spilled out of me. She allowed some light to enter back my life. And once I saw that light? I knew that there was no going back. I needed to help to maintain balance.
Mental illness does not have an easy fix. People self medicate daily to combat demons with all sorts of things like exercise, caffeine, drugs booze, food, gambling...you name it.   I know the struggle is real and that it is a day to day battle to keep the demons in check. They creep in sometimes and I fall down the rabbit hole.....sometimes I fall deeper than others. It is not pretty when that happens. It is hard for those who suffer to crawl out of that hole alone....I know it is hard for me sometimes. But on those days, I know that have seen the light before and I know it is out there somewhere....I just may  need help finding it. So check on your strong friends, the ones that you think have it all together. They may not tell you how weak they feel but that check in, that phone call, that text message..... it might save a life.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Sometimes

Valentine’s Day 2013
I spent a cold dreary February day at a funeral.
It is a day etched in my mind for many reasons. 

It is a day that, though sad, made me realize that
sometimes love,
means leaving.
Sometimes love means saying goodbye.
Sometimes love means putting yourself first.
Sometimes love means pain.
Sometimes love means you have to face the facts
Sometimes love looks nothing like what you thought it was supposed to.....and you realize that it’s not love at all.
It’s abuse.
Sometimes love means leaving.
Sometimes love means finding the courage to do what is best and that takes time.
Sometimes love makes you do things outside your character.
Sometimes love motivates you to want more.
Sometimes love fills the empty places you never knew existed.
Sometimes love looks nothing like you thought it would....
Sometimes love is right in front of you.
Sometimes love is staring back at you in the mirror.
Sometimes love is you.
Love yourself enough to put yourself and safety first.
Love yourself, trust yourself and respect yourself enough to leave behind what no longer serves you.
Love yourself and trust yourself enough to move forward
Love yourself because you are worth it
Sometimes love means starting over because
Sometimes love means leaving.

Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Heartbreak

Beth Bruno wrote a heart wrenchingly beautiful piece for Medium about grieving a daughter that was still alive. I felt as if I had written it myself and she was walking a similar path.  I linked her original work above. I have taken her words and edited them to fit my own experience, placing her "more eloquent than mine" words in quotes.

"When I became a mother, I was determined I was going to be the kind of mother who raised exceptional children. I was going to give my children opportunities to live big lives where the possibilities are endless. I was going to raise brilliant, compassionate, interesting human beings.
I poured all my energy and love into them. I was going to have wonderful, loving and mutually satisfying relationships with each one, enjoying their friendship and companionship into their adulthood."

When my oldest daughter decided that I was not the mother she wanted anymore, I felt my world crumbling out from under me and I went into a free-fall.  She was the child that made me a mother. All I ever wanted in life was to be a mother and she fulfilled every dream I ever had. I remember how over the moon I was when I found out I was pregnant. I remember how I loved being pregnant and the ability of having her all to myself.   I remember her birth...the complete and utter exhaustion and exhilaration at seeing her for the first time. I remember feeling that I would never love anything ever again more than I loved that perfect little girl. 

For the first 2 years of her life it was just the two of us. I poured all my energy into her. She was my world. The sun rose and set around her and all that she needed/wanted. She was the first grandchild as well which made the pedestal even higher for her. As she grew, she only became more beautiful. Her talents were many but writing was her true gift. She would write me notes and stories all the time. She drew fancy dresses, sang songs all day and adored putting on a show for anyone that would watch.  She loved stuffed animals, especially her Pooh bear, sleeping with him every night until the day she left. She really was the light in my days. Time passed, and the family grew, adding 4 other siblings to the mix, all the while things had started to become more difficult between my daughter and me. When she entered her teen years things became really strained between us, as they often do between teenage girls and their mothers.  At that point in my own life, I was in no position to be the best mother to her. Things were not always easy for her, or for me. When she was 19, the bottom fell out. I was in an abusive marriage and felt trapped, when she and her sisters found out her dad had been unfaithful....and I knew about the infidelity but in her mind had done nothing.

"Her world came apart. Getting out of my marriage was the only thing I could do to preserve my sanity, so I know I could not have done anything different. I did everything in my power to support her through this process, but I was having a difficult time navigating it myself. I know I failed her in many ways. She was so angry with me.  She was angry and did not know what to do with that anger.  She was at the age where teenage girls specialize in putting the knife in and twisting it. I was an easy target, since in her mind, I caused her world to spin out of control. She resisted all my efforts to help her find ground under her feet."

Once her dad moved out, she and I struggled even more. She wanted to take over and, perhaps even felt she had to take over. I was not able to provide as much stability as my kids needed at that point because I just did not have it in me. We were all falling apart, just as our family had. After a particularly horrible incident in which the police were involved, she left for good. Words were said by her, by me and by my own father in anger that can never be taken back.  She went to live with her aunt and my heart shattered into a million pieces. 

"It was a beastly thing for a young girl to suffer through — feeling abandoned by her parents, losing her home and her siblings. It was as though we had smashed her childhood into smithereens. I agonized over how to reach her. I was so sad that she was in so much pain. I did everything I knew how to do to let her know that she had my love and support.  I was unable to put her life back together for her, even if she had let me. I wanted desperately to fix our relationship, but at this point I didn’t know how. She had retreated so far behind her fortress that I could not reach her." 

She blocked me from all her social media, blocked my number from her phone and only communicates in anger now. I felt sure that at some point she would come around and need me to be her mother again but I was so wrong. It has been 4 years since I have seen or spoken with my daughter, other than her texts to me when she is angry or upset about something I have done to one of her siblings. I try to reach out and have vowed to never give up but to say that this has been an excruciatingly painful experience would be an understatement.

"I spent the first year being really hurt, but I still believed that she would come around. The second year was when reality set in and I cried almost every day. The grief of losing my child while she was still alive was fraught with shame, self-recrimination and humiliation. If only I had been a better mother. If only I had done something different. If only, if only, if only." 

When people ask, I say that I have five children. I speak of her as if she is still an active part of my life but when people ask for details, I am honest, saying that I really do not know what she is doing because she has chosen to distance herself. When people comment with “Oh, kids do that. She’ll come around.” I smile and say that I am forever hopeful. However after over 4 years, I am starting to believe that may not happen....but a mom can dream. 

"I began to spiral further and further into grief. Her birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas were so hard. I carried this pain like a tender newborn, swaddled close to my heart. I reached out to her over and over with gifts, cards and letters, letting her know I would always be here if she ever wanted to come back. I never got any response. Feeling sure that my offerings were going into the trash, after a while, I just stopped.
At some point in the process of navigating this heartbreak, I read something that finally set me free to get up and go on with my life. I have wished a hundred times I had written the name of the book down, a book I checked out from the library about parent-child estrangement.
It said, in a nutshell, that parents and children have a contract in this life, and sometimes that contract is short. As a parent, we do our job and if that job ends before we think it should, then we have to accept that was all the time that was allotted.
So basically, I did my job in the 18 years I had and then I was fired. My ideas about how it was supposed to be were of no consequence. I was not in charge. I had made a decision that changed her trajectory and that trajectory was away from her source of pain — me.
That realization left me with the task of looking at my own pilgrimage through this life and seeing that my work was to learn to completely let her go, even if that means that I never see her again. When I write that on the page it still breaks my heart. But I have learned that clinging to our ideas of how things should be, while resisting how they really are, causes a lot of suffering.
I have done everything I know how to do. I long to have her back in my life, but at this point, I have no control over that. What I do have control over is my own path. I can choose for myself how to go forward with my life, taking advantage of all the joy that is offered, not allowing the grief to keep me from living fully.

Forgiveness has played a huge role in helping me to heal. I have had to forgive myself over and over and over again. I know that I hurt her, that my decisions changed her life. I know that I failed her. But I am human. It has taken years for me to find a way to forgive myself for not being the mom she wanted me to be. For disappointing her. For wanting to free myself from the hell I was living in, knowing that it shook her world at the foundation.
There are many times I still have to remind myself that I always did the very best I knew how to do. Even when that was not enough, it was the best I could do. Period. And then I have to practice extending grace to myself again. But it does get easier."

I get occasional updates from her siblings about her life, but they are cautious about what they share with me as not to upset their sister. I feel their pain as well. They miss their sister. They miss her being a part of things when we are all together. They have to keep their relationship with her separate from me.  I know that my daughter struggles with jealousy of her siblings, that she has multiple jobs, that her dreams have taken a backseat to providing for herself, and that her anger with me is still there, although she will never admit it. I long to run into her at her workplace, a grocery store or even a parking lot, just to have a momentary interaction...just to see her. Sometimes when I see mothers and daughters together, my heart breaks all over again and tears come to my eyes. I miss her hugs most of all...the hugs that were not given freely but when she gave them, she hugged with every part of herself....with her whole being. 

"My daughter’s path has been difficult, but I have not been invited along to try and make it easier. My daughter has her own journey through this world and is following her own map. I have learned to accept and honor her choice. I have to trust that she will find a way to heal, and I will always hope that someday she will return to me, but I am at peace either way.
As parents we don’t own our children. They are ours for a time and then sometimes we have to let them go. Is it easy? That would be a resounding NO. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done."

I miss my Princess every single day. Nothing fills that hole in my heart that she left. My love for her will never change.  I pray daily that she would someday allow me to be a part of her life, to show her how sorry I am and how deeply I love her.  However, I have had to find a way to live with my new normal. I have to work daily to offer myself the same grace and forgiveness I long to offer her. 

To mothers, I say love your daughter for who she is in the moment and do not take one second for granted....even the arguments and fights. Offer yourself and each other forgiveness, acceptance and grace. 

To daughters, I say love your mother for who she is in the moment and do not take one second for granted...even the arguments and fights. Offer yourself and each other forgiveness, acceptance and grace. 

Not one of us is perfect and navigating this life is not easy for any one of us.  We make mistakes, we fall, we fail but with forgiveness, acceptance, grace and love we can move forward to find peace.

And finally, to my daughter, 

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always, 

As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Love, 

Mommy

Peace

#tutulady

#forwardisapace

Lemons

Lemons, lemon trees, sour, sweet, growth...
I am a big one for signs and symbols. I look for the deeper meaning in all things.   I call them God-Incidents.
Last winter I wanted a lemon tree....for no other reason other than I saw one online and thought it was pretty. So I researched and found out that it was not the "season" to buy the trees in my area. I was determined and called all the shops in my city. I found ONE...yes one lone tree at a ganden center that is near and dear to my heart. It seemed fitting that they were the only one to have the plant. I later found a few others at another garden center I love and got 2 more. I tended my trees, watching them flower and begin to grow fruit. It takes 9 months for a lemon to grow from flower to fruit, a fact that was not lost on me.
I finally decided to look up the symbolism of the lemon tree and what I found was astonishing.
The lemon tree is a symbol of cleansing, freshness, healing, happiness, love, light, optimism, well-being and positive surroundings. It is used to attract good luck and clear the air of negativity. Giving the gift of this fruit is a sign of our ability to make things easy for one another in life. It sends a message that we are a source of comfort to those who are willing and ready to make the right changes in life. Many people add lemon to water or tea because it helps clean out toxins from the body.

The lemon tree bears a great deal of fruit year round. Having a lemon tree is seen as a sign of abundance.  This is also considered as a sign that everything is going to work out well for you and your life will be filled with joy and happiness. This tree is a sign that you are going to have more than enough, however, you need to learn to share the abundance,  helping those who do not have as much as you do.
The lemon tree is believed to have the ability to assist in accepting some of the various changes that are about to take place in our lives as it adapts to change well.   This tree is an evergreen plant and it has green leaves throughout its life, that is, it does not shed its leaves throughout its life. They can also live for about 100 years if cared for well. This tree has the ability to show people more about the reality of life and how you can be a source of growth, longevity and light in people’s life. 
Lemons, while sour at first, can be turned into many wonderful, sweet tasting treats with a little care and effort. It is all about how they are prepared.
Lemons....I thought I just wanted the plant because it was pretty and would bear fruit if I was lucky. Now that I look at the deeper meaning? I see that it was no coincidence that I wanted....no...needed this plant in my home.
My first crop of lemons was ready for harvest this week and they taste amazing! Funny they chose a day of a snowstorm ....a cold grey windy say to drop off and bring some sunshine into my life.
Find your sunshine today. Add some lemon to your water. Everything is going to work out ok.....
Peace.
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Prophecy

Prophecy - To speak something into existence. 
My son has taught me a great deal about this and does it so well. I used to say he was just lucky or gifted but it is so much more than that. He is really gifted and does have a lot of lucky things happen to him but bottom line.....he speaks things into existence. He says things so many times and with such conviction....as if they will or have happened.
I am a true sceptic but decided to try it. A few years back, and at his urging, I wrote my goals and dreams down in a notebook. I really left it at that and did not give it a second thought.
Yesterday, as I was clearing out my bookshelf, I found that notebook. Before I tossed it, I opened it to look inside. What I found shook me to my core...
I only wrote on one single page of the book. I wrote a simple list. I wrote some big dreams and goals.

Goal/Dreams 1/28/18
 - Run Chicago and TRAIN
 - Write a book
 - Find my passion

What was I thinking 2 years ago?!  So here is where I am right now....
Run Chicago and TRAIN - I did start a training program for my 10th Chicago marathon that year. I was so bound and determined to run one last time and make it an even 10. That did not happen. My hip got pissed off and stayed angry. No amount to PT or acts of kindness could quell that anger. That hip remains angry to this day....the anger has diminished some but it is still there waiting....for each time I over do it.
Write a book - I may not have written a whole book but I am well on my way. I wrote a chapter of a book along with some other super amazing badass women. At first I did not feel worthy to be in the book but over time, I have learned that each one of us has a story that needs to be shared and not one of those stories is better or worse than any other. Each story has value. Each story lands with someone. Each story empowers not only the author but the reader. I am an author!
Find my passion - My passion. Find my passion. What is my passion? I really am not sure yet. I am getting closer by the day to finding it but I am still not there yet. I feel that I have not only found a path but also found some amazing guides to move me forward, closer to that goal. I am getting there....
Can you imagine if I had put those goals and dreams where I could see them daily? I mean did talk about them but not with conviction. Imagine if I had spoken about them as my own son does? Words have such power!
Have I written my goals for 2020 yet? No. I am still trying to distill my big dreams and goals into something I can vocalize....or write concisely. It is a process. If you look at the date on those from 2018, it was not until the 28th of January that I had them figured out. I feel like we are all pressured to have it all thought out by the stroke of the New Year. Well.....I call bullshit!  Write your goals and dreams when ever and where ever you want. Just write them down. Talk about them with others. Speak them into existence to yourself and to others. Your words are so powerful.
Let's all make 2020 the year of self fulfilling prophecies in the best way possible!
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Spill

You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?
"Well because someone bumped into me, of course!"
Wrong!
You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup.
Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.
*Whatever is inside the cup, is what will spill out.*
Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside you will come out. It's easy to fake it, until you get rattled.
*So we have to ask ourselves... “what's in my cup?"
When life gets tough, what spills over?
Joy, gratefulness, peace and humility?
Or anger, bitterness, harsh words, overreactions and nastiness?
You choose!
In 2020, let's work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation; and kindness, gentleness and love for others. ☮️❤️☮️
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Books

This past year I returned to reading. Actually I discovered the wonder of Audible!  I vacillated between reading actual books(not kindle) and listening to them. I read some really great ones this year, and some I have would never have chosen myself,  thanks to suggestions from my book club and others.   These are some that I have read over the past 6 months:

Where the Crawdads Sing - Delia Owns 

This is not your predictable read. It has twists and turns and often made me uncomfortable but in the end I was better for having read it.

Before We Were Yours  - Lisa Wingate

So good and so much to talk about in this based in truth story. 

Washington Black - Esi Edugyan

Audible version is one of the best I have ever heard. 

Lillian Boxfish Takes a Walk - Kathleen Rooney 

I long to visit New York and see the world through her eyes! Perfect for the new year.

Little Fires Everywhere - Celeste Ng

Not your typical novel and constantly leaves the reader wondering.

Women In Sunlight  - Frances Mays

This book was difficult at the start and not one that I ever would have chosen myself but I really want to go to Italy now!!

Language of Flowers - Vanessa Diffenbaugh

 This is a beautiful story of growth (no pun intended). You will never look at flowers the same way!

I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter - Erika Sanachez

 YA fiction but so deep! It is not your typical 

Over the Top - Jonathan VanNess story 

Some parts make my momma of an LGBTQ+ child cringe but it is so good and inspirational!

Maybe You Should talk to Someone  - Lori Gottleib 

You will not look at therapy the same again!

This is How it Always Is  - Laurie Frankel 

 This book spoke to me on so many levels. She speaks to the reality of large family life. 

How to Walk Away  - Katherine Center

Good but very predictable and tied up in a neat bow at the end. 

Dare to Lead - Brene Brown

She is Brene and full of wisdom but sometimes it felt like overload. 

Imperfect Courage - Jessica Honneger

What an amazing and inspirational book that makes you want to take on the world. 

Wolfpack - Abby Wambach

A super short/one sitting read that will motivate you to do better

Pastrix - Nadia Bolz-Weber

A different take on religion and life that I respect so much!

Almost Everything - Anne Lamott

Its Anne - Enough said

The World according to Mr. Rogers - Fred Rogers

I have read this one before and rarely re-read a book but this one deserved to get a send time around and I found even more to love!

Last but not least I have to recommend my own book!

The Lemonade Stand by Michelle Faust is a compilation of the stories of 19 women. Each is a story of strength.... from sour to sweet! My chapter is about how GOTR saved my life. You can order a signed copy from me directly(Dm me!!) or get a copy here:

http://bit.ly/TutuladyBook

I would love to know your thoughts if you have read any of these. I would also love recommendations for the new year! 

Let's get busy and work out our minds!

Peace

#tutulady

#forwardisapace

Intention

Tomorrow is the start of a new year and a new decade. It's that time of year when everyone starts with the new year/new me BS, the resolutions and the promises to change in the new year. The "new year smells like..." Seriously? Who is going to say the new year smells like shit? No one!  And, Honestly, who can "smell" a year?
Why do we see/smell January 1 as the start of changing ourselves? Why do we feel the need to make these grand resolutions?
How many of us have actually kept our resolutions? Let's ask all those people that flood the gyms in January. I know it rarely happens  that we keep those resolutions because I was one of those people.
New year/New me? Why? I doubt that any of us are so awful that we need to completely overhaul ourselves to create something new.  I am all about self improvement and making the world a better place. So why not do it daily?  Why not just wake up each day and vow to be better, kinder, stronger  and more authentic than you were the day before?
This is why I have a hard time picking a "word of the year" and do not believe in resolutions. I think it is far more beneficial to set an intention for the year.  Wayne Dyer said, “Our intention creates our reality.” How many times have you heard “What you think, you become,” or “Thoughts become reality”? Our thoughts have so much power so why not focus that power in a positive direction?
Once you set an intention, you may find your "word" if that is your jam. You may find deeper focus once you set your intention. That intention may permeate all areas of your life and help you reach your goals.
How the hell do I do set an intention, you ask....well here are some things to ask yourself:
*What matters to you?
*What do you want to build/create/grow in your life?
*What do you want to let go of?
*Who/what do you want to forgive in your life?
*What makes you proud?
*What fears do you want to let go of?
*What are you grateful for?

Once you answer those questions (and the others that come up).....and BE HONEST with yourself, you will begin to notice a theme.  Look at what starts to resonate with you. It may be the same things that you wanted to work on last year and it may be something different. It doesn't matter because it is all about you. 

Here are some ideas that I have used in the past:

Open mind and heart
Peace

Focus
Act with courage
Embrace change
Give and receive love
Vulnerability
Connection

Gratitude

Balance

Move forward

Authenticity
Vision (2020!!)

 I find that once I choose the intention, it really begins to direct my steps. But I take my time in making a choice.  Do you have to choose today? Nope. Tomorrow? Nope. Despite what social media tells us, you can start any time you want. Do NOT feel pressured into starting this tomorrow.  Can't pick one thing? Who cares!  Choose 2. You do you, sis!  The fact that you want to work on you is the biggest win. 

Once you choose it.....put it where you can see it. Say it daily. Call it out to yourself (and others) when you see it manifest. You will begin to notice it more and more in your life. 

Am I perfect? um,  no. Do I practice this perfectly....Hell, NO!  I fall down. I make mistakes. I allow myself some grace (another intention idea!) and I start again. The idea is to just keep going...keep moving forward. 

So, no pressure. No "new year/new me." No "resolutions." Just do you. If an intention feels right, do that. If not....just put one foot in front of the other and move forward each day......or don't. Just do you! 

Peace,

#tutulady

#forwardisapace

(if choosing an intention is your thing, I would love to know what you choose!)

Reality

Now that the holiday season is almost over, it is time for a reality check.
The holidays are a stressful time for so many people. The desire to make others happy, to live up to expectations of others, to "post" a perfect holiday. I know I am guilty of it all. I used to kill myself to make it all look and seem perfect. I still post a few photos of my family that "look" good on the surface.
We have spent months subject to advertisements about giving cars and diamonds.  Endless social media posts that are carefully curated to present the "perfect" holiday. And countless sales attempting to get us to spend more than we have.
Consumerism is at its finest this time of year. Again, I am guilty. We all want the "perfect holiday." We want to be "Pintrest worthy." We want to post that "perfect" photo that gets all the comments and likes. We want the validation that we are doing it "right."
I admit that I am and have been guilty of this. However, I no longer live for that "post." We need a reality check.
How much do you know about that "perfect" family/person that you are following? What is the reality behind it all? I know that personally I tried for years to make my imperfect, controlled, abuse filled life look good. No one knew my reality.....because I would not allow it.
We like, comment and further validate each others seemingly perfect lives and thus further perpetuating the idea that appearances are reality. Thus is as far from the truth as possible.
I had a friend post some photos Christmas morning without the matching jammies, makeup and styled hair. It was glorious!  I loved her vulnerability and transparency. It was a refreshing breath of fresh air on an otherwise sickeningly sweet holiday morning feed. We are all imperfect in some way. Should we air all our crap on social media? No. But should we cover it all up thus invalidating thuse that feel anything other than perfectly happy during the holidays? HELL NO!
For years families have covered up, whispered about or just not spoken about things such as mental illness, abuse, inappropriate sexual behavior, infidelity, alcoholism...the list is endless. We have allowed racism, homophobia, ignorance and all sorts of other morally corrupt behavior to run rampant because we are afraid to speak up. We want the Norman Rockwell holiday and family.
Well, that is not possible. It is time we got real with each other. It is time we talk about the tough stuff and allow  ourselves and each other some grace. Will some people be uncomfortable and walk away? Sure. But from my experience, people are longing for reality. People are longing for connection to not only their joy but connection in their imperfection, grief and sadness. We need more reality. Not more gossip but honest conversation about the realities of our lives.
What if people start having those conversations with friends, setting boundaries with families,  and getting real with themselves? How would things change? I think we all need a reality check this coming year. Stop trying to do it alone. Stop trying yo impress others with your pretty pictures. Stop living in fear.  Make 2020 the year to see and be seen.....make 2020 the year to be real.
Peace
#tutulady
#forwardisapace

Lemonade

IT
IS
HERE!

I can not believe it!
I really and truly can not believe it is here!
I am an author!  My name is searchable and associated with a book on AMAZON!!!
(click the title below to see for yourself!!)

The Lemonade Stand Book!!!

The Lemonade Stand(Kindle Ed)!!!!!!

Several months ago I was contacted by a high school friend who asked me to be a part of a writing project. She knew only a small portion of my story and thought I should share more, taking a deeper dive. I was intrigued and wanted to know more so, I contacted the collaborator and she put me in touch with the publisher. I learned the working title was the Lemonade Stand and liked it already. I hemmed and hawed, emailed back and forth with these women, had lengthy phone conversations with them, and battled my own inner demons.  There were so many signs along the way that told me that this was the right project at the right time. I mean, I had just bought a lemon tree for heaven's sake and I was seeing lemons everywhere I looked.  So I finally made the decision to join the project, took a giant leap and made the call ....#forwardisapace is my motto, right?
Once I made the decision to write my chapter, I sat down and the words poured out of me like water over the falls. I wrote it all in one weekend. Like Goldilocks...first it was too long and then it was too short and then it was just right.
I sent it off for editing and it came back with only a few suggestions of changes. So we moved forward.
I let some of my children read it at that point as I wanted their honest opinion. And they gave it to me...in spades. They were proud of their momma! And I moved forward.
I got it back one more time for final approval. Hitting send that last time meant sending my words, my story, out into the world. It was as if my soul exhaled.  The fear and apprehension of being so vulnerable had yet to set in!  I continued to move forward.
And then it was a waiting game. I waited for the other women to finish their chapters. And boy did those other women deliver!  When I received a proof of  the book I sat for a while feeling the weight of these words and the women who wrote them. Then I started to read.....
And I could not stop!  But I really had to....I had to put down the book between each chapter and breathe.  Each story was more compelling than the next. These women poured their souls on to the pages of this book. And then I realized I was one of them. Seeing my name in the table of contents was surreal, but then reading what I had written? It was an out of body experience and I kept moving forward.
But the best was yet to come because #forwardisapace !!!
The book was listed on Amazon this week and has already reached best seller status in 8...yes...EIGHT...kindle categories!  The reviews are pouring in and all so positive! The paperback copy of the book will be released Wednesday, December 4, 2019, and I know that things will only go up from there!  FORWARD!!!!
The fear and apprehension of vulnerability have fully set in but in the words of some of my co-authors, that fear is an ever evolving beast and will always be there until we release the shame and face it all head on. so.... #forwardisapace
I am so proud of the book and sharing my story. I am blessed and honored to be in the company of such strong, resilient, and gifted women! I hope that you will not only buy the book to read my story, but also read the stories of these other amazing women. While my story may not resonate with you, perhaps the story of one of the other women will. Perhaps you know someone who could use a little lemonade in their life and you buy them a copy as a gift.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to share my story, share what running, Girls on the Run and being the #tutulady means to me and share the life experiences of my amazing co-authors.
My gratitude is beyond words at this point.
Let's just say that my heart is sooo full....I am DANCING and I am moving forward
This #tutulady thanks everyone she knows from the bottom of her overflowing, glitter filled, sparkly, tutu wearing heart! I am who I am thanks to of all of you!
Peace
#forwardisapace
#tutulady

Turquoise

This weekend was a reminder of why I love running. I have been sidelined with an injury and have not been running (or working out at all) much. The injury and life have been overwhelming me. This weekend changed all that. I am a GOTR coach and this weekend was race weekend. Feeling the energy, seeing the girls excitement and watching them cross the finish line? Nothing short of AMAZING!
Sunday was the turkey trot that started my running journey over 14 years ago. It was a reminder of not only why I run but why I love the running community, why I love running, and why I wear a tutu! I am not fast but I am fun....so I want to remind others to have fun too!

Thus the turquoise flower was an appropriate choice the the weekend!

Believe. To look within, to overcome. Loving myself enough. I have the will, the determination and the courage to defy the odds...and inspire. My challenges have made me a fighter - a survivor. They will not define me or confine me. I will run my own race. Different, beautiful and all my own. I believe in me and my potential. And I'm going to succeed because I'm brave enough to think I can.
Peace-
#forwardisapace
#tutulady

Gatorade

Today was one for the books. I registered to run the Chicago Marathon this year. I started training and was excited to run again. Much to my disappointment, my hip was not as excited as I was and got really angry!  We tried therapy (PT) and that calmed things down for a bit but Old Righty was not giving up. Thus, I make a choice to defer my entry and try to heal what was damaged.
As race day grew closer, I was having a BAD case of FOMO, so I decided to volunteer for Blessons and work at an aide station.  One thing that many people do not know is that the Chicago Marathon gives back....until it hurts like a runners quads after 26.2! Charities that volunteer or have people volunteer receive a donation from the Chicago Marathon which is often sizable.
Blessons put out the call for volunteers and I jumped at the chance. #tutulady switched it up and instead of running the Marathon, she was volunteering at the Marathon.....tutu and all!
I was not told my role until shortly before the Marathon. I was to be the Left Side Gatorade Supervisor. I did not know what that meant but I was about to find out.
I got up at 2:45am and was out the door by 3:45am. Grabbed a coffee and hit the Kennedy. Who would have thought that there would be traffic at that hour but there was! I arrived and my parking garage, parked and walked to the Aide Station check in...passing a man relieving himself in the alley and a group of others who appeared to just be going home from a long night clubbing!
Volunteers take skids of materials and create an aide station for runners. Tables, cups, and Gatorade..... Gatorade that needs to my mixed with water to make the correct formula for runners. The first few hours are getting the volunteers organized, mixing that gatorade, pouring and stacking layers of filled cups. Today was a struggle as the cups kept blowing off the table. Also, my group of volunteers were high school kids. If you know me, you know that I work well with teens and am not a pushover....I push back.  Those kids worked hard today...whether they liked it or not!
Once we get set up, we wait. First come the wheelchair athletes. Inspirational? One of the first  of theses kind of moments today. After the wheelchairs, come the elites. I have never seen them running up close. I have either watched on tv or they are finished by the time I start!! The woman that set world record today was running so fast, I barely had time to take her picture. Elite men and women have their own water/gatorade so the real work begins once they are through.
Here come the masses!  Thousands and thousands of runners There is a technique to holding the cup for the ease of runners as well as where to stand, refilling tables with cups once they are empty, and raking/bagging the trash runners leave behind. It is a lot but my volunteers did all that and cheered the runners!  It was amazing to watch!
Today I got to see so many runners that were living their dream. Some that stood out?

• The first blade runner. He was sooo fast and the look of determination was was memorable. 
• The next blade runner was a quadriplegic. He has a guide helping to hydrate him with water and gatorade. 
• All the Solemates running for GOTR. All running to help young girls have access to the life changing program that is Girls in the Run. 
• Blessons runners. Runners raising funds to enable women to further their education. 
• Team Hoyt...if you know me, you know why this inspires me so much. 
• The law enforcement officers that were running in full uniform. 
• The 80 year old man that was running his 69th marathon/18th Chicago with an aide.
• The 4 different blind/deaf runners running with guides
• My BRF that gave me a massive hug and got a PR today
• My running family that needed encouragement and, more importantly, a hug....to keep going

And finally Mike. Mike showed up as the last runner. The sag wagon had gone by. Runners were really supposed to be on the sidewalk but Mike was on the street. The garbage trucks had gone by and we were on the last of packing up. All leftover items were shrinkwrapped on skids ready for pick up. Mike just asked for water. I had none (I was Gatorade) So I ran up 2 blocks and grabbed him a gallon of water. Sorry, no cups I told him. Just drink from the gallon and he could keep it or I would get rid of it. He took a few long pulls while we stood in the middle of the street. While he was drinking I told him I was impressed and that he was going to finish today!  He stopped drinking and looked at me. Then said, "you are damn right I am going to finish! I am 70 years old and I have 2 new knees. I did not come this far to quit!" So I started to walk with him and he put his arm around my shoulders. He said, "Listen...life is too short to quit when it gets hard. You need to always keep moving forward."
I started to cry as we approached a group of volunteers finishing cleaning and I yelled "This is Mike. He is 70 and had 2 new knees.....can we give him some love?" The teens made a tunnel for him while cheering. He turned, kissed me on the cheek and said "The world needs more people like you...."
"Just finish strong, Mike" and he was gone....walking away.
I did not take a photo but his face is seared in my memory. I was in the moment and the last thing I thought of is that I did not get a photo. I do not know his number nor do I know if he finished. What I do know is that he was the last guy I saw on the course and he touched my heart deeply and profoundly. I will never forget him.
I drove home mentally and physically exhausted...like I had run my own marathon.
Each year I write about my marathon experience and how it changes me. Today changed me in more ways than I ever thought possible. If you have never volunteered at a race, DO IT!  You will help a charity and the runners more than you realize. You will change too...whether you like it or not!
To those friends I missed, I am sorry!  I wanted to find everyone but its hard when you are trying to make sure you all have gatorade! To all those that started and moved forward for 26.2 miles, you ROCK! I am sooo proud of you! You are a MARATHONER!! Wear that medal all week as you go backwards down every staircase!
Gallons of sticky yellow gatorade, over 30,000 steps, countless highfives, hundreds of hugs, numerous inspirational moments and heart so full it could burst. Today was one for the books for #tutulady.
Peace
#forwardisapace
#tutulady

9-11

I remember it like it was yesterday. 18 years ago, I was in the kitchen when the first plane hit with babies under foot. I left home to go to school to prep for the year thinking it was nothing..... a horrible accident. We were starting later that year due to construction and teachers filled the buildings. As we worked, people had TVs on and we realized this was far more. We were released to go home and I remember the craziness of trying to get home to my babies. I sat for hours in front of the tv with my kids on my lap reading them books and watching the news. It just would not end. The days and months that followed were filled with more bad news and it was hard to breathe. But we did. We, as a country, learned to breathe again. We must never ever forget how it felt to live in those days and months. We must never forget how it feels to lose ourselves. We must never forget. #neverforget #911

Blessons

Let's talk Blessons.....

I am a single mom to 5 children, a teacher and coach.

I grew up in the suburbs with a pretty "normal" life. 2 parents and one younger brother. Both my parents worked....my dad as a lawyer in town and my mom as a teacher in the next town over.

I left home to go to college attending St. Mary-of-the-Woods College in Indiana which was, at the time, an all women's college. 4 years and I was done. I was not an A student like I could/should have been and did not take advantage of opportunities the school had to offer until my junior year....something I regret.

I got a job as a part time teacher upon graduation. I wanted to live in the city so I moved to Lincoln Park (the only place my parents thought was safe) and took a job working for a small graphic arts firm. I eventually left that job to go back to teaching. I taught in the UIC area for several years then met and married a man. After a few years of commuting, I had a daughter thus, I chose to take a teaching job closer to our home. A second, third and then FOURTH(!) child meant looking for a larger home and with that, a change to another school closer to home. Somewhere in there, my stepdaughter (goodness I hate the term step!) chose to become a part of our family. Thus, I became a mom of 5!

It took the change in my life for me to decide I needed to leave the school where I had been teaching for 14 years, and reignite my passion for teaching.

I took a position at a charter school in the North Austin area of the city and I loved it. But fate called me to another part of the city. I am now teaching at another charter in the McKinley Park are of the city.  It is HARD work every day with challenging students but the rewards are endless. I truly feel, once again, that I am making a difference in the lives of the young people I teach.

I went right to college after high school which was expected. I graduated in 4 years as was expected. I lived in the dorm and was only a few hours from home if I needed to visit my family. I do regret not getting an advanced degree. I do not have the funds nor the time now to do it. When I had the time and money, it was discouraged.

Blessons - I love that word. I have had many from being assaulted and hospitalized to anxiety and depression. The biggest Blesson I would have to say is my divorce. I was married for over 20 years to an emotionally and financially abusive man. I stayed "for the kids" and....if we are being honest, because I didn't know it was abuse.

Women speak to each other and either only discuss the "wonderful" parts of marriage and complain a bit about the "socks on the floor" crap. We do not talk to each other about the tough stuff like money or honest feelings. We think the what happens behind closed doors is private. Women and even some men think that just because he/she doesn't hit you and there are no bruises, it is not abuse. Scars and bruises heal. The “verbal reel” plays over and over in your head.

I was miserable and put on a brave face the moment I left the house each day. I did anything and everything to keep everyone, especially my husband, happy. The criticism, put downs, isolation….it was all part of how he controlled me. I began to have horrible anxiety and panic attacks. These panic attacks directly correlated to money/shopping…..because financial control was also present. I sought therapy. My therapist tried to tell me that the root cause of my anxiety and depression was my marriage but I did not believe her.

It was blatant infidelity on his part, discovered by my children, that I could no longer ignore. I begged and pleaded for him to work with me for the benefit of the family. He tried to maintain control, but I was determined to do the right thing for my children and I filed for divorce.

I own the mistakes I have made in my marriage and in the divorce process. There is no one size fits all manual….I mean there is no manual at all. I admit I made mistakes...plenty of them! But part of being an adult is owning those mistakes, learning from them and moving forward in a more positive manner.

I stayed for my kids and now realize I did more harm by not leaving sooner. I live with guilt and regret and the consequences of my actions daily but I am no longer a victim …. I am a survivor.

Every woman deserves an education. Every woman deserves the right to achieve her dreams. I went to college and got a job. I knew what I wanted and pursued that dream. I lost sight of that dream when I got married and had kids. I eventually lost sight of who I was and what I wanted. It took me years to get that back and I want other women to have the opportunity to do more and be more for themselves and their families. Many women do not have the opportunity to attend traditional school. Many women do not have the financial resources or have obstacles that impede schooling. Blessons allows women the opportunity to realize dreams through education.

I would love to become a mentor for young women. Assisting and advising women through the process of navigating the system to register and attend school. I would also like to just be a sounding board and support for those days when school and life are difficult. I would love to even just proofread a paper or check an assignment for someone that needs a mentor. Education is the key that unlocks so many doors to opportunity. Everyone deserves that key.

Well, I used to say that I was writing a Lifetime movie….now that movie is a mini series! And, honestly, reality is far more brutal than fantasy so no one would believe my real story anyway!

I surround myself with inspiring, understanding women who lift me up on a daily basis. Some days they allow me to vent. Some days they allow me to just wallow. Some days they kick my butt with a running shoe and force me to go for a run or just get out of bed and get dressed. Some days they just make me laugh or smile. They do not accept my excuses for long.

I also have a deep and abiding faith. I have faith that my God has a plan for my children and for me. I may not like nor understand that plan right now but I know that there is a plan. I have faith that God does know what’s up!

There is far too much negativity in the world today. TV shows and the internet thrive on negativity, anger and drama. People sit behind a screen and mindlessly put others down, spewing hate and anger with no real consequences. I refuse to get sucked into the “vortex of negativity” . We have forgotten that we belong to each other. We have forgotten how to communicate with one another. We have forgotten that each of us is a human being in need of connection and feeling that we matter. We don’t really SEE people anymore. We “see” people….we look at social media and see what people want us to see but very little is based in reality. Just a simple smile or hello might brighten someone's day…. I try and teach mostly by example that it is not what we say but how we say it that makes all the difference in the world. Kindness matters and people matter.

Passions? I have many and have begun to rediscover them all. I run for charity...for Blessons, for Girls on the Run and for a school for autistic children. I have become the #tutulady thanks to my Girls on the Run and run every race in a tutu. Cooking...well feeding people ….is something I love, as well as knitting and reading. I also am a vocal and active ally for the LGBTQ community working with Free Mom Hugs.

My own children, the children I teach and the girls I coach in Girls on the Run all inspire me daily. I know that they listen to what they see more than anything I can say so I try to set a good example of healthy living. If I can inspire one child or one person …..I have been successful. Plus I have to keep up with all these kids! It is exhausting!

There are many outlets to maintain strong mental health. Some that I utilize are yoga, running and therapy. During yoga, I clear my head while twisting up like a pretzel and sweating like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs! I run…..like a herd of turtles in peanut butter ...and sometimes I want to find my inner Forrest and keep running away….but like a boomerang I always come back home! I am also a strong advocate for therapy. Perhaps not every week or all the time but it is good practice to go once in a while for a "tune up". Having a sounding board that is impartial is essential to maintaining mental balance.

To overcome challenges, first I panic! Really! I panic then I catch my breath, and think of the options. I talk to trusted friends and get advice then…. I just power through. My motto in running and life is #forwardisapace and I live by that every day. Move forward….even if it is a shuffle or a baby step but just keep moving forward.

We women need to lift each other up, encourage each other and empower one another to be better each day. Each one of us has a responsibility to reach back and help others. When women are successful, we need to celebrate that success. The more that we see the positive in each other, the more impact and success we can all have on the world at large.

For more information about Blessons or to apply for a scholarship: Blessons For Women

Peace.

#Forwardisapace

#tutulady

kindness

Let's Talk Kindness - 
Today while at the Dollar Tree the young man in front of me was waiting to pay for his candy. The line was long and he was so patient. When it was his turn to pay, he could not find his money. He panicked. His eyes welled up with tears and I could see the embarrassment and anxiety take over as he frantically searched his pockets. I reached in my wallet and handed the cashier a $5 to pay for his candy. She asked if I was sure.... I said yes. The kid looked at me and quietly said, “Are you sure? It’s ok. I don’t need it....”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Thank you so much. Really. What’s your name? I’ll send you the money...”
“It’s ok buddy. You just pay it forward and do something kind for someone else.”
At that point the older woman behind me starts to cry. “This is the sweetest thing I have seen in months. This is what we need ..... more kindness!”
I told her I hoped that someone would do this for one of my kids.
Ruth, the cashier, was amazing too. She rolled with it all.
The kid eventually found his money and came back to pay me as I walked to my car. I refused. I told him once again “just pay it forward and be kind to people....”
I watched him get on his bike and ride away.
If you know a boy that was at the Dollar Tree about noon today..... he is a sweet kid who made a dreary day better for me.
I do not share this story for “atta girl” comments. I share it because we all need to take a breath. We all need to be more patient. We all need to choose kind.
Peace - 
#Forwardisapace
#tutulady

Hackers

Let's Talk ..... Hackers.

Over the past few weeks one of my email accounts was comprised. Actually...that is putting it lightly....it was HACKED and hacked badly. No only were spam emails sent out to other people, but the hackers got into other accounts of mine. This email account is the one that is tied to most of my social media, bank and shopping accounts. Once the hackers had access, they attempted to change passwords and log in information. They blocked emails for password resets to the email address so I was not able to reset the passwords they changed. It was horrible!  Thank goodness for great customer service and 2 step verification that I had in place (they even tried to change that!).
The only real causality (or so I thought) was my Instagram account. The hackers changed my user name and password so that even 2 step verification did not work. They then deleted my account. I was frustrated, horrified and angry!  I have had the same account for years and have built a following....or so I thought. What I realized was that, although my old account was gone, it was just that....an account. Did I love seeing the latest with my friends, celebrities and businesses? Sure!  However, was losing the account the disaster I made it out to be in my head? No!
I am currently in the process of moving and downsizing.  Am I getting rid of everything? No. Am I releasing what no longer serves me in order to create space for what I need at this stage of my life? YES!  A "screaming out loud from a mountain top so the world can hear it" YES!!! The loss of my account seems very fitting for this stage of my life as I can now create the space that best serves me in the present.
I have created a new account and, honestly, I feel liberated. The old "stuff" is gone. The new account is a "tabula rasa" with a similar feel but fresher perspective.
So, while this time is my life is scary and I often times feel unsure, am I grateful? Again, the answer is a resounding yes. I am honestly grateful for the hackers who, while creating unnecessary chaos in my life, have forced me to reevaluate what is important and release more of the past that no longer serves me.
You are welcome to follow me as I move forward.
@Peaceofmysole22
Peace -
#ForwardIsAPace
#tutulady

Acceptance

Let's talk ......
Acceptance

Accepting others doesn't mean you have to agree with them, their life choices, their politics or the way they choose to live their life. It means you have to look past that and see the human being sharing space with you.
Every day I see/read/hear so much "hate speech" and it beyond upsetting. We, as a society, have forgotten how to relate to one another. We have lost our sense of civility.
People feel that they can say anything under the sun and it is allowable. Speaking one's mind has become a "thing" and it has taken a turn for the worse. Keyboard meanness hidden behind a screen has given way to outspoken bullies who like to browbeat and intimidate people everywhere they go.
We need start to see others as human beings, looking beyond our own individual insecurities, to accept one another without personal bias.
Who knows, we might even learn something...about them and ourselves!
Peace -
#forwardisapace
#tutulady

Selfie

Let's Talk.....
Selfies.
I am not a teenager. I do not have "selfie skills." My kids are constantly teasing me because I don't take good photos or use filters when I do. I am far more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it!
I am old school. I learned to take pictures with a camera that had film. Film that needed to be developed and cost money to do so.  Taking a photo of myself was darn near impossible. I had to set the self timer and run to get in the picture, then hope and pray it came out ok because I could not see it until I developed the roll of film. Digital cameras made made it easier to take multiple photos and delete what I didn't like but actually taking those photos was still a challenge. Cell phones with forward facing cameras? Well that was a gamechanger! I could take a tom=n of pictures and see exactly what I was doing and delete the ones that I didn't like (or all of them!).
When I do take a "selfie" I look at it with such a critical eye. I see all that is wrong with me and the photo. I want to photo shop the lines and imperfections away. I want my photo to look like others I see on social media.....pretty and perfect.   My kids are constantly taking and posting selfies. I wonder what effect that will have on my kids and others like them.
I guess I will have to practice my "selfie skills" as well as acceptance of the subject matter.
Peace -
#forwardisapace
#tutulady