Saturday, April 14, 2018


I am a planner. I like things in order. I like to know what is going to happen next. My life....and God...well they have other plans for me. Life and God like to throw me curveballs. They like to keep me on my toes.
After parent teacher conferences Thursday, our admin told us that our professional development day for Friday had been canceled. We were all to enjoy a day off!  My initial reactions was YEA!  Day off!  Then my anxiety brain took over....What am I going to do? What needs to get done? I did not make plans or appointments. I do not have a list of things to do. ACK!
So I took a deep breath and decided to embrace the unexpected. This is not something I am comfortable with at all. I told myself that I was doing nothing that did not make me happy on Friday.
I woke up with nothing was the strangest feeling. I got dressed to run, took the kids to the train and had some coffee. I had decided to go for a run and maybe some yoga.
I have not run nor gone to yoga in months. I have been a lump. I have made excuses. Today was no different. I was making excuses....and needed to be stronger than my best excuse.
My run was not easy. Matter of fact it was downright difficult. I pushed through just over 4 miles!  Longest run in a long time!
I was feeling so good! Mid Morning hot yoga class was calling my name and when I saw my favorite teacher, I knew I was in the right spot....those unexpected curballs from God and Life.....I was hitting them out of the park today!
Yoga meditation was about Santosha - contentment. to practice being in the moment. to remain grounded. turning into yourself. digging down into your inner peace. It was EXACTLY what I needed...that and a good sweat!
I have not been this good to myself in a long while. I have not practiced self care like I preach to others. Today I was forced by take time for ME. I forgot that I am important. I forgot so many things....

I forgot that my dog needs his harness to run with me but remembered he loves and needs to run with me.
I forgot my running route and got lost but remembered that I always find my way home.
I forgot that the hardest part of any run is getting out the door but remembered that once I get started I could run forever.
I forgot that the wind can make any run more difficult but remembered that I can lean in and move forward.
I forgot how diverse my playlists are but remembered that I love all kinds of music and have passed that to my kids.
I forgot what wildflowers look like but remembered that beautiful things always grow in unexpected places.
I forgot how hard it is to outrun the voices in my head but remembered that those voices are not endurance athletes like me.
I forgot that I am willing to fail but remembered that I am determined to rise.
I forgot that running is hard work but remembered that I can do hard things.
I forgot that breathing is important in running and yoga but remembered that some days inhaling and exhaling is enough.
I forgot that I sweat a lot during yoga but remembered that I need to get rid of the toxins in my body.
I forgot that I lose my balance and sometimes fall down in yoga and life but remembered that I always get back up and regain my balance.
I forgot that one side of my body is stronger than that other but remembered that I can work to make them more equal.
I forgot that some yoga poses are difficult but I remembered that I am flexible.
I forgot that I am easily frustrated but remembered that I can breathe through the frustration.
I forgot that running clears my head but I remembered that I work through my problems when I run.
I forgot that yoga centers me but remembered that I can remain grounded every day.
I forgot that I feel more at peace after I run or do yoga but remembered that I need to make them more of a priority.
I forgot how to embrace the unexpected but remembered that I can embrace and enjoy unexpected things.
I forgot that I need some me time but remembered I need to work on self care making it a priority.
I forgot that pace only matters to me but remembered that forward is my pace.
Forward Is A Pace.

Sunday, March 4, 2018


I have a deep and abiding faith in God. I always have. Heck, I went to a Catholic grade school and a Catholic college. When I started teaching, I went right to the Catholic schools for a job. I remained a teacher in the Catholic school system for almost 30 years.
I have always had my 'issues' with my religion but when I went to college, I was taught by nuns who encouraged me to not only embrace those issues but explore other areas of my faith as well. I was challenged to explain why I disagreed with some of the practices of the church. I was encouraged to explore areas of social justice. I was prodded to deepen my relationship with my faith in God....beyond the constraints of the Catholic religion.  The experience of those 4 years opened my eyes to a world beyond the walls of the 'church'. I realized that my faith was not the same as my religion.
After graduation, I started my teaching career in what I thought was the safest place possible, the Catholic church and school system. Over the years, I continued to practice my religion, going to church each week, teaching the religion to my students, saying the prayers I grew up memorizing. But in my heart of hearts, I still had the same issues with my religion.
Year after year, I taught the Catholic religion to my students, and eventually my own children. I loved the security and stability the Church provided even if I disagreed with some of Its teachings.
For years the term Cafeteria Catholic bothered me as did the term ChriEaster. Cafeteria Catholics are ones that pick and choose what they want to believe from the religion and leave the rest. Chri-Easters are folks that only go to Mass on Christmas and Easter. But since I no longer teach at a Catholic school, I have become both. I have not been to Mass in many months. I pray but Mass? Nope....
Today I went to a local church to hear a man speak about his devotion to Mary.  It was a true God-incident as I didn't really want to go and have not been to church in a long time. His testimony was amazing and powerful. Kevin Matthews was a morning radio DJ "back in the day". I grew up listening to Kevin and all the many characters he created. After college, I worked with people who knew Kev and went to many of his events..."proms", golf outings, parties, etc. He was the "cool kid" everyone wanted to be around.....and he was funny as hell. I was a true 'Kev-Head'
I have always felt a deep connection to the Mother Mary. Praying the rosary gives me peace and I like to collect different rosaries from all over the world. I used to make rosaries with my students and pray a living rosary with them. May Crowning is still one of my favorite church traditions.  I always felt that Mary, as another mother, understood my struggles. Listening to Kevin speak only strengthened that conviction.  I realized that I am still devoted to my faith and to Mary. 
I took the opportunity while in church to pray. I prayed about my life. Divorce is something the Catholic Church does not condone. Homosexuality is also something the Catholic Church does not condone. I am divorced. My son is gay.
So today I prayed to my Mother Mary. I asked her for peace. Being that Mary was an unwed teenage mother, if she were one of my 'besties,' I like to believe that she would have advised me to do what I have done in leaving my marriage. She doesn't seem the type to excuse abuse. Forgive? Yes. But allow? I don't think so. I also believe if Mary had a gay child, she would love him/her, accept him/her and encourage others, especially the Church, to do the same. God created all of us in His image so He is my son and my son is Him.
Kevin said during his talk, "If you hold the Rosary, you hold the hand of Mary. If you hold the hand of Mary, you hold the hand of God." I embrace the Rosary and Mary.
God created all of us. God makes no mistakes. God created my son to love who he loves. God knows I was faithful to my marriage. God has a plan for my son. for me...for all my children and for all of us. I have Mary as my guide and I have faith. A faith not contained by 4 walls but by the air and soil and sea
and sky.
Faith is trusting in God's plan. I may not understand the plan or like it but I have faith.
I have faith and love....and Mary.
Forward is a pace

Wednesday, February 7, 2018


We're all born naked and the rest is drag. 
 - RuPaul

My son was born 15 years ago...naked. This year we celebrated his birthday in the best way a Drag show. One of his sisters suggested it and, while I was a tad bit hesitant at first, I realized that this would be one of the greatest gifts I could give my boy.
I have known who my son is from the moment he was born. I have watched and waited for him to realize it himself. When he finally come out, it was as like the scene in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy enters technicolor from black and white. The world become filled with color and we could all finally exhale.  I wrote about more about that experience HERE.
The past 2 years, watching him navigate the new, open world around him have been amazing. Attending a school like ChiArts, that celebrates not tolerates him, has changed him for the better. He is as comfortable as a teenage boy can be at this stage of his life. His flair for the dramatic has not only been encouraged but appreciated and strengthened. His school days are long (8-5...yes, all class time) with added time for the commute but he rarely complains.
So when his sister suggested that we go to a show, I said yes. While I admit I was a bit hesitant, once I thought about it, I knew I had to make it happen. I mean he got me started watching RuPauls' Drag Race with him! I have been with him every step of this journey so I was not missing this this one.
My boy spent the whole day getting ready.....picking out clothing and "looks." He did his nails and fixed his hair.
The kids had chosen Hamburger Mary's "Dining with Divas". We tried for early reservations but they were booked so we had the late show. When I made the reservation, I told them it was my son's 15th birthday and first drag show. I was assured they would make him feel special. It was a snowy night and I would rather have stayed home but we went out.....and boy, was it worth it!
The moment we walked in, my son's head was on a swivel, taking in all the sights and sounds of the place. I could see and feel him soaking up every little detail. It seemed like the whole staff knew it was his birthday! We were seated at our table, ordered and then the show began. The first performer, and MC for the night, was Angel. The moment he started performing, I looked at my son and ...well.... I am rarely at a loss for words. I saw in his eyes something I had never seen was a mix of awe, amazement, acceptance, excitement, and love. I watched my boy more than the performers, my heart overflowing with emotion. This was a night, an experience, I will never forget...and neither will my son(or his 2 sisters).
At one point my son was even called on stage to honor his birthday and given a Hershey bar (other guests with birthdays got a shot!) which he has still not eaten. Seeing him on that stage....I knew God was giving me a glimpse at the future.
Later in the night, I took time to personally thank the performers, especially Angel. Other artists there, though not in costume or performing, were also supportive and welcoming to my son. Not only did they all take time to make my son feel special, they are special in and of themselves.   I read a quote once by BeBe Zahara Benet,  "Drag artists are more men than real men. You need a lot of courage, personality, and guts to go out there. Even if you look good or you look bad, you still need to have all of those things to be on stage. You're going to get criticized by everyone." These female impersonators take time and effort not only to hone their performance but  perfect the makeup and costumes as well. They have the courage, guts and personality to perform night after night knowing that they may face more criticism than that of other, more "conventional," performers.
My son.
He is amazing.
He is brave and courageous.
My son is brave and courageous thanks to those who come before him. My son is brave and courageous thanks to men like RuPaul, who paved the way for all the many who follow in his footsteps. My son is brave and courageous thanks to men like Angel LeBare, Alexandrea Diamond  and others like them, who perform night after night in clubs like Hamburger Mary's. My son is brave and courageous because he has the love and support of his sisters and his momma.
DO NOT get me son makes me crazy just like any other teen makes a momma nutty.....but more so with his flair for the dramatic.  We disagree on a daily basis but we talk to each other and work through things too. We navigate this new territory together. Neither one of us knows what will happen in the future, but I do know that my son will always be loved by me and by God. God makes no mistakes. God has a plan for both of us. God chose me to be this boy's mother before he was born. My son was born naked and, for him, the rest is drag......always has been and always will be!
forward is a pace

Sunday, January 14, 2018


No. More. Excuses. 
I signed up for a Virtual Run a few months back when I had motivation. I was a part of a "movement challenge" during which I had to move for 30 minutes a day. The group in the challenge was so motivational. So.....I signed up for the virtual run.  I figured it would be a great way to get back to running after an injury at Thanksgiving and celebrate another trip around the sun. When I registered I did NOT have a fractured wrist and the weather was not below zero every. Damn. Day. (for more on the virtual run click here Fellow Flowers - No Excuses Virtual Race )
So...with my 52nd birthday looming large, the weather above zero (10 when I went for my run) and the sun shining (a rare sight), I thought today was the perfect day to toss my excuses out the window and try running. I pulled out my buried cold weather running gear from the boxes beneath my bed and got bundled up.
A few weeks ago, we adopted a rescue dog and he has been walking buddy. We walk for miles every day. Today was going to be the real test as we tried a run together for the first time. The goal today was a 5K. Just 3 simple miles in the neighborhood. I mean, I run marathons.... but I have not run in months and I was scared. Scared to fall. Scared to fail. Scared to get hurt again.
As I got dressed and got him ready, I kept making excuses. The Negative Nellies in my head were growing louder by the minute and I ....I am the master of procrastination. So it was time to put up or shut up.
Out the door and off we went. I started my Garmin and the Motigo recorded messages for the run. I am not going to was hard. My head was so much more excited about this run. My body just had to keep up.
As I ran I thought about so many things. The past 3 years of my life have been ...well...challenging.  Truth be told, it has been difficult for a long time but I made excuses. No more.
I have written about the gift that Girls on the Run has been ...and continues to be...for me and for others in the program. Tori and Mel in my ear today was just the message that I needed...the message that I give to others. Just try. You are stronger than you think you are.
I thought about the many changes in my life and how, with this birthday, I am not the same person I was a year ago.
About 1/2 way through the run, I realized that my phone was about to die. I always start with a fully changed phone and because I had "puttered" and made excuses, my battery drained. So I swung home, got a portable charger, and went to finish the run.....but Lucky and I were feeling good. I was actually sweating! We were doing a run/walk and I began to remember what I loved about running. So we did another full loop and then headed home. We ran 5 miles.....well almost!  We had to go up and down the block a few times to make it an even 5....because I am freak like that! But we did it....we ran 5 miles!
I do not make resolutions, I set goals and work towards them. This new year is about getting rid of the excuses and creating something new. It is about taking chances and making changes. It is about being the woman I have spent my life working towards....No. More. Excuses.

Sunday, January 7, 2018


The whole "New Year/New Me" stuff has gotten me thinking. I know I have not written anything in a while. I really did not think I had any thoughts worth sharing and on top of that, I had a lot going on in my life. So with the new year, I am going to do a lot of start writing again.
However, herein lies my question, one that I posed on social media and will ask again here...

If I stopped teaching today, what do you see and the perfect business/job for me?

For months, I have had dreams every night and know that I am not teaching but I never can recall what I am doing. Don't get me wrong, I love teaching, but I do not think that is my destiny. I feel that there is more out there for me. I love coaching young girls and women. I am passionate about so many things that I am having difficulty finding direction. I know that there is so much more for me and I can feel it in my bones but I do not know which way to turn, what to look and where to go.
A woman came to my home today and proposed that I become an independent beauty consultant. While I like the idea of independence, I am not sure that this is the right path for me. I want to eventually write my story ...the story of my past few years....but I also want to do other things. My mind swims with ideas but I feel like that fish on a dock....flopping all over not sure which way to go just wanting to get back to the water because it is safe.
How do people find direction? How do people focus passion? How do people create the life that they want....especially if they are not sure what that life looks like?
So...for now I move forward but that is all I know...
#forwardisapace #tutulady

Sunday, June 25, 2017


A year ago my son suggested we go to the Pride Parade. It was a passing comment but I knew he was gauging my reaction. I agreed and we decided to go...just the 2 of us. I was hoping that our adventure would help him gain some confidence.
I took this picture within minutes of us arriving at the parade and began to cry. I knew it would be a life changing day for him.  That day did not change who my son changed how he felt about himself.  It changed me to see him so very happy.  On the way home he said he had never felt so much love in one place before.
My son finally worked up the courage in the fall to talk to me. I will never forget that moment as I sat at the kitchen counter and he said, " attention....I think I am gay..." I did not even blink.  I said, "I know, Honey." I think that there were a few more words exchanged and he walked back out of the kitchen.
From the moment he was conceived, I have said that my son is extraordinary and has a special purpose....that he is destined for greatness. He has proven me right at every turn.
It took a few more months for him to tell his sisters, as well as his dad, and he told each person in his own way. Every reaction was a little different but all of us have been waiting for this conversation.
Over the course of this year my son has had had to endure torment from people online, people in real life, children at his school, administrators and teachers from his school, even family members but he keeps moving forward. I know that on some level it takes a toll on him but his is confident in himself.
My son.
He is amazing.
He is brave and courageous.
As a mother, I worry about him. I worry that his life will not be easy. I worry that he will get his heart, and perhaps his spirit, broken. Every mother worries about their child so these worries are nothing unique. Every mother wishes that their child will never feel pain, never be teased, never be hurt.... we mothers want to protect our babies at any age.  We want our children to have it better and easier than we do. We want them to only feel love....from everyone...all the time.
Today my son and I went back to the Pride Parade, except this year 2 of his sisters chose to come along.  We laughed and danced and laughed some more. This time I saw something different. I saw an older generation of men and women who, whether they meant to or not, have paved the way for kids like my son. The lived for years in hiding, denying their love for another. They lived a lie in secret. They lived in fear. As time has passed, they have opened doors and moved barriers as they lived their lives. The love, gratitude and admiration I feel for these men and women is immeasurable.  By demanding equality and respect, they have created a culture where kids like my son can feel confident in owning their truth at a young age. I can only imagine the emotions their mothers felt way back when....when things were not so open and life was far more constrictive and conservative.
My son.
He is amazing.
He is brave and courageous.
DO NOT get me son makes me crazy just like any other teen makes a momma nutty. We argue and yell at each other. We talk to each other and work through things too.  We navigate this new territory together. Neither one of us knows what will happen in the future, but I do know that my son will always be loved by me and by God. God makes no mistakes. God created my son. God created my son for something significant.  God chose me to be this boy's mother. God has a plan for both of us and I have faith.
I have faith.
I am proud.
I am grateful.
Love is love
Love will always win.
forward is a pace

**Disclaimer: I asked for, and received approval from my son to write this piece. He also approved the finished piece.**

Monday, May 29, 2017


Today I went for a run. I ran with a sense of freedom. Freedom protected and paid for by so many who have put on a uniform, as well as the many who have given the ultimate sacrifice protecting that freedom. As I ran, I thought about all the things I am grateful for....each one circled back to the constitution and the freedoms I have living in America.
The last mile of my run was through my favorite place.... the local cemetery. It was no accident my run took my through this peaceful place. I often end my runs here to gain some peace and perspective.
Today I slowed down and looked around. I saw so many grave sites with flowers, flags, wreaths....letting others know that someone had recently paid a visit. I saw a plot with a flag and walked through the grass to take a closer look. It was a WWII veteran. I paused, and out loud said, "Thank you for your service" then turned to walk away. I was reading other stones as I walked out of the grass and realized that many were veterans. And many had no flag or flowers. I walked that last mile through the cemetery, visiting each stone with a flag and saying the same words each time, "Thank you for your service"
Around each stone with a flag I saw plenty without a flag so each time I noticed it was a veteran, I cleared away the dirt and grass and said again, "Thank you for your service"
I returned home feeling far more grateful than when I walked out the door so I put down my waterbottle, picked up my purse and headed to the dollar store. I bought all the flags they had left (about 30) and drove to the cemetery. I retraced my steps, placing a flag by each veteran I had seen earlier without one, as well as a few extras.
Today is not about barbecues, boating and time off work. Today is not about politics, parades and public events. Today is about honoring and thanking those who have put on a uniform, fought and often times died protecting this country we call home. It is also about honoring the families of those same brave soldiers who sacrifice as well and are left behind to bear the burden of loss.
WWII, Korea, VietNam, and even WWI veterans, some forgotten for years, received my gratitude and my appreciation for their service to this great nation of ours. Take time today to say thank you in your own way to our veterans. To everything there is a cost and freedom is not free.

George H Hickey WWII
Chester W Bukar WWII
Casmir Patocki WWII
Richard A Stevens Bronze Star WWII
Harold P Pierce WWII
Adam Gregory WWII
Richard Patela WWII
Frank Olczak Bronze Star WWII
Leonard Lewandowski WWII
Raymond Casken WWII
John Bodzioch WWI
Joseph F Sychowski WWI
Frank C Mack WWII
Peter J Gnat WWII
Julius Bodnar WWI
James E Warnke WWII
James Pinske Korea
Eugene D Furman WWI
Eugene P Wasielewski WWII
Josei H Kuisba WWI
George Wdowik WWII
Michael P Gajda WWII
Thomas Smolak WWI
Stanley Lukaszewski WWI
Dominic  R Suwanski WWII
Theodore J Papuga WWII
Edward J Bryjak Korea

God Bless each one of you, as well as your families and loved ones. Thank you for your service.
Forward is a Pace