Sunday, February 12, 2017


 "I learned that people have three basic needs - To be seen, to be heard and to know they are loved."
Molly Barker

My friend, Molly, is an amazing woman. Each day I look to her for courage, advice and wisdom. She never fails to inspire me to be a better human. She is such an important part of the tribe of women I am blessed to call my friends. My tribe sees, hears and loves me in so many ways that make me stronger every day. 

I think in my heart I have always known this but somehow forgot.  I think that I somehow have always wanted to make people feel that they matter but somehow lost focus. I think it is all I have ever wanted and didn't know it. 
I have longed to be seen. I have become bigger and  larger than life to take up space and force people to take notice. I have done things I am not proud of to get attention. I have gotten louder in order to be heard. I have lost myself, compromising my values and myself in order to be loved. 
It took a major life change to force me to face reality. Looking back, and with the help of therapy and friends, I realized that I have given others what I so desired. I have treated others to being seen and heard and loved but forgot about myself and those closest to me. As I lost myself into a rabbit hole of giving to others, I had nothing left for those that needed it most. I covered up my own needs with excuses. My own needs and the needs of my kids got sucked into a vacuum of pleasing other people. I gave everything I had in search of what I had right in front of me. My children needed me to see them and I needed them to see me...the real me. My children needed to be heard and I needed not only to listen and to hear them but they needed to listen and hear me as well. My children needed my unconditional love and I sooo needed the same from them. I needed to peel back the layers, toss off the cloak of secrecy and get real. 
It has been, so messy. I am not talking a few grass stains in the knees messy. I am talking "covered in mud, wresting with pigs and the pigs winning" messy. It is still messy and will be for a long time but anytime life gets seems to get messy. 
The kids and I love to cook together. Everyone has a specialty in the kitchen and the food tastes amazing when complete but cooking is messy so the kitchen becomes a disaster in the process. Life is like that too. Growth and change are messy but the end result is beautiful and sooo worth the effort. Our lives are going to be messy for a while but we are in the process of cleaning it up...and as we work together we are seeing each other. We are listening to each other. We are loving each other in a way we never thought possible.  It is perfect? Hell no!  I have teenagers. No more cute pictures on social media of faces covered in food. No more posts about behavior that makes other moms nod but kids cringe. My kids are also seeing the real person that is their mom....the human being....who is messy too. 
I am learning to see, to listen  and to love my children, myself and others in new ways and it is an amazing journey. Would I wish this journey on any one else? FUCK NO! It has been Hell on Earth. There have been times that I wanted to run....far away and never look back.  Thanks to my friends that did not happen. They saw me. They heard me and they loved me. All the parts of me...the good, the bad and the messy me. My friends knew just what I needed and when, They have gotten messy with me on this journey of love. They have allowed me to find my way back to my heart. 
It is a debt I can never repay but will pay forward until my last breath. 
Thank you to my tribe.
Forward is a pace.

Saturday, February 4, 2017


As I sit in the auditorium of a high school, I look around. I see the faces of other anxious parents waiting....waiting for their children. We are all nervous. These hours spent waiting are not nearly as difficult as the hours of preparation our children have done. Waiting is not nearly as nerve wracking as performing in front of strangers who will determine their future.
Our children have prepared all their young lives to perform for these auditions that will determine if they are admitted into this special school or not. It is make or break. No second chances.
We can no longer hold their hand or cue a line or check a note of a song. We now must wait in the wings as they take the stage alone. Break a leg, kids.....your parents will be waiting to give you a standing ovation.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017


Today begins the 14 days of love challenge. For the next 14 days I will leave a note for each of my kids with "I love you because..."  . with a different reason each day. (along with a chocolate kiss) It gets more difficult as the days progress as I try to find reasons they don't think I see. 
Try it with the people you love. Challenge yourself.


Today after my workout I went in the sauna. While in there, a lady was speaking loudly on the phone. I wasn't paying much attention to her, but to the to young girls siting near me. 
"I wish that polack would shut up!" One whispers to the other. 
"Right?! Stupid foreigners!..."whispers the other. 
I open my eyes, tune in and start to say something to the girls but instead ask the woman politely in my broken LITHUANIAN (yes she was not even Polish but Lithuanian.... she was talking to a child I think) to take her conversation out of the sauna. 
She looked at me with amazement and embarrassment, apologized and stepped outside the sauna. 
After she walked out, the girls looked at me... 
"Fucking immigrants. You all need to go back home." Said one of the girls. 
I got up to leave and looked at the girls and said,
"I was born here. And who knows... maybe she was too..... more tolerance and kindness .... less judgement will get you far in life." 
And I walked out shaking. 
Not sure if I said the right thing but I knew I had to say something. 
More tolerance and kindness. 
Less judgments. 
(And I really need to work on the Lithuanian language skills!!) 


I am back.....
After months away it is time to come back to my writing. So much has happened in the months away and I will try and find the words to write about those months but for now....I am back and ready to write again. I hope that you all are ready to read...