Sunday, October 28, 2012
My mojo left. I think it might have gotten packed up with the marathon baracades and signs. I have not seen it since the marathon. I really wonder if it was misplaced in the suitcase of one of my BRF (best running friends) that were in from out of town. I'm not sure where it went. Perhaps it just ran away? I don't know.
I have been out searching since the week after the marathon. A couple times I week I lace up my shoes and go out looking. I look high and low and sometimes take the dog hoping she can help me sniff it out. Nothing. I got nothing. I miss my mojo. I could always count on it when things were good or bad. It was always there to get me through. The feelings of anger, impatience, frustration have taken over my life. I miss the feelings of joy, accomplishment a peace that my mojo provides.
Yesterday I decided to go look again in the one place I had not checked....my trail.
I woke up late and missed my usual group but I saw this as a blessing in disguise. I needed time to look on my own before asking for help.
I took off and headed down the trial by myself. It was pretty deserted. Not many people use the trail as it gets colder. I relished the emptiness as it mirrored my running soul. I took no Garmin. No anything. I wanted to devote my attention to the hunt. It was liberating not to have to keep a set pace for others, to run at a pace that was good only for me. To walk when I chose. Speed up and slow down when I felt like it. No one depending on me for answers. I was on my own. Without even my mojo to keep me company and I began to search.
After the first 3 miles, I had pretty much given up the hunt. Even the deer on the path were not paying attention to me. My path knows me better than anyone. It has been there for the good runs, bad runs, hot runs, cold runs, crappy runs. It has allowed me to work through my problems and help me find the answers. It has been there through sadness and elation. My trail is the home and my running group, my family.
I decided to look a bit further along the trail so continued my run and it was then that I thought I heard something rustle in the trees. Crazy! There was no one there. Just the wind. But something made me continue running.
Shortly before I turned around to head home I saw Wanda. She was taunting me. She was teasing me like a big bully. If there is one thing I hate (yup. Hate. Strong word, but I hate bullies) it is a bully. She was there just begging me to try and fail. I was having none of it. Instead of turning around to head back I turned, threw my shoulders back and charged up that bridge. Halfway up I thought I heard a voice say "hills make you stronger" I shook my head and looked around. No one there. What the heck?! I was losing my mind!
I continued up and over the bridge and to a point I felt that was far enough. I headed back. Up and over the big bully Wanda a second time. She was not getting the best of me today. I may not have my mojo but I did value my dignity. I still had my Pride.
I continued on towards my truck and felt as if I was being watched... No, followed. I turned to look and was completly alone on the trail. Good Lord. I really was losing my mind.
As I entered a clearing I thought I saw a shadow next to mine. I swore I saw it and I stopped this time totally turning around. I was still alone. There was a biker about a half mile up but no one close enough to leave a shadow. Now I was really getting a little creeped out and wanted to be done with this run.
About 1.5 miles from the car I saw another runner from our group. I really enjoy running with her but she is group leader for a faster pace group and we only run together on the off season. She is older than me and of a different faith. She teaches me something new every time we are together and I treasure out time together. She was going the other direction so I thought we would wave and continue on in opposite directions.
But she stopped and asked if I minded company on the way back. She was tired and didn't want to go on alone. So off we went together.
We chatted for a bit and soon I could no longer talk. She was going so fast. I could not keep up. I stopped at the next intersection and told her to go on. She was too fast for me. She laughed and and said it was me that was driving the pace and she could not keep up! It was then that I realized that there were three of us ..my mojo had joined us and was the one that driving the pace! So we decided to slow it down a bit but finish strong. It was the most glorious, energizing mile of my run. I needed it so badly. My mojo was right there pushing us to keep going and finish. And finish we did, thanking each other for pushing one another to a great finish.
Real life hit like a hurricane the day after the marathon. The kids, the activities, the house .... All the things that have longed for my attention all came at me at once. It was overwhelming and enveloped me like a tidal wave. I was bobbing in the deep and struggling but there was no one to toss me a life ring. It was up to me to find my way to shore. Dead or alive.
The weekend after the marathon I took off again. A long overdue weekend in Vegas with some good friends. It was a fun trip filled with firsts (Cirque, gambling, etc) and Momma found out she likes the roulette table! But I was again away and coming back just pushed me farther from shore. It was so hard to keep swimming while keeping the shoreline in sight.
Here it is 3 weeks later and I am finally feeling the sand beneath my feet. My tired arms can rest as I walk towards the beach. The water is still deep but I am almost there. Soon I will be caught up with life and able to rest in the sun on the beach but for now I am still working my way into the shallow waters.
What is in the back of my mind is that I know the tide of the holidays will carry me back out soon enough and I will have to find my way back to shore again. Thank goodness I am a strong swimmer.
Monday, October 8, 2012
|A reminder of what is important|
|Running on faith and tutu spirit at this point.|
Thursday, October 4, 2012
As I sat in church looking at my college ring listening to the priest talk about the importance of rings, I was reminded of my own ring day in college. I did not ever get a high school ring but I did get a college ring. I wear it every day. Memories flooded my mind as I sat in the church.
I was a junior in college when I received my ring. The whole family came to visit and attend the Mass. We spent the weekend celebrating this big day. My friends and I looked forward to Ring Day from the first day of freshman year. Wearing the ring meant we were finally part of the group...we were really Woodsies. It was like a membership to a special club. What we did not fully understand at that time was the depth of commitment and loyalty that came with the Ring.
Every woman who has graduated from the Woods since 1840 wears the same ring. The only thing that ever changes on the ring is the graduation year. It is a beautiful and unique ring that I wear every day. It is a constant reminder of many things but mostly that I am a part of something bigger than myself. I have a responsibility to my faith. I have a responsibility to the legacy of the ring. I have a responsibility to the Woods.
It is my hope that my daughter realizes the importance of her responsibility to her high school. The responsibility to her friends, faith and family. And that her ring is a constant reminder of that responsibility. We both have promises and miles to go.....
The Ring Song
Whose Woods these are, I think I know.
Her love will always be with us below.
Her ring we take, of us a part,
Encircling fingers young 'round her heart.
I pledge to her, a ring to keep,
Like Woods is lovely, dark and deep.
And I have promises and miles to go.
And I have promises and miles to go.
She has been in a hurry since her conception. We were only married 3 months before I become pregnant. She could not wait to come into this world. She kicked and moved and made me uncomfortable as she grew. She was born 2 weeks early. Always in a hurry. My labor was not short but once she decided she finally wanted out, out she came with a quickness.
She was quick to talk, walk and become independent. She thrives on growing up and older. Her instinct is to move away from me....the faster the better. She wants things done fast and furious. She wants to grow up and move out. She has always been older than her years.
She is so like me but so much better. She is stronger and more self assured than I have ever been. She is more confident and has so many friends.
She is beautiful and talented but has yet to realize her full potential. She has cultivated a close relationship with her sisters that I adore ... And am slightly jealous of as I did not have sisters. Our relationship is a rocky one as we are so much alike but lately there are more good days than bad. Her relationship with her dad is so tight. They text all day and have private jokes. Some women might be threatened by this but I am not. I think it is good and healthy. She adores him and has him wrapped around her finger...and he knows it. He loves it despite what he may say.
I look at her and think, "what next?" She is constantly surprising me and teaching me. She teaches me to be a better friend. She teaches me to be a better mom and person. I wonder what surprises lie in store for both of us this 17th year of her life.
Monday, October 1, 2012
I put together a playlist for use during the marathon. I think about the person who added the song to the list as I listen and run. This makes for a wonderful meditation and makes the miles SEEMINGLY fly by. Notice I said seemingly?! the miles do tend to drag a bit at the end but hearing the songs really puts me in a better place.Each song is as different as the person who it represents. Each song is a constant reminder as to the reasons I am running this marathon. Each song is motivation to keep moving forward to the finish.
I wanted to share the list so you all could see the diverse nature of the music I will listen to in a few days. I can't wait to press play....
For Good/Idina Menzel